life is pretty fucked up and i'm only fourteen

Dear Kaelie, (what I really wanted to say, but didn't have the guts)

I'm sorry I'm weak and that I can't say it in real life. I'm stupid like that. But really, what I've been trying to tell you for the 40 minutes we've been talking is, "remember the last time I went over your house? yeah, the day before that, I cut myself."

But I can't tell you that, because the words won't come out. I'll start crying. I'm hiding it beneath layers of my pride. I think you know that I did it, but I can't tell you. Ugh, Kaelie. It hurts really bad. You're sleeping now. I'm going to go upstairs, pee, and cry, and type this.

I couldn't think upstairs.

I can't even remember why I cut myself. My mom fell or something...or maybe I just felt lonely. I wanted attention? I don't know. I was going to tell you that I did it that night I went over, but I couldn't. And it's weird that I still can't. I don't know if I'll be able to tell anyone, really.

It really hurts.

Touch

Dark hands caress my cold
Porcelain skin
Brown eyes watch me
I shiver
They observe.

I want to meet the man under
The one who loves
With scrawny limbs
And messy bed head
But he is hidden, it seems

my mom asked me if i was depressed

maybe i am. but so what? why does it matter? i have other things to worry about. i can't go through that again.

Lately I've been wishing I had one desire,
Something that would make me never want another,
Something that would make it so that nothing matters,
All would be clearer then

But I guess I'll have to settle for a few brief moments,
And watch it all dissolve into a single second,
And try to write it down into a perfect sonnet,
Or one foolish line

'Cause that's all that you'll get,
So you'll have to accept,
You are here ,
Then you're gone

I believe that lovers should be tied together,
Thrown into the ocean in the worst of weather,
Left there to drown,
Left there to drown in their innocence

But as for me I'm coming to the final chapter,
I've read all of the pages and there's still no answer,
The only words before I know will soon come after,
It’s the only way it can be.

So I stand in the sun,
And I breathe with my lungs,
Trying to spare me the weight of the truth,

Seeing everything you've ever seen was just a mirror,
Spend your whole life sweating in an endless fever,
Laying in a bathtub full of freezing water,
Wishing you were a ghost

But once you knew a girl and you named her Lover,
And danced with her in kitchens through the greenest summers
But autumn came,
She disappeared,
You can't remember
Where she said she was going to

But you know that she's gone,
'Cause she left you a song,
That you don't wanna sing

Singing; I believe that lovers should be chained together,
Thrown into a fire with their songs and letters,
And left there to burn,
Left there to burn in their arrogance

But as for me I'm coming to my final failure,
I've killed myself with changes trying to make things better,
But still ended up becoming something other,
Than what I had planned to be

Now I believe that lovers should be draped in flowers,

And laid entwined together on a bed of clover,

And left there to sleep,

Left there to dream of their happiness.

i'm sad because i'm lonely
i'm sad because nothing works out right
i'm sad because i'm ugly
i'm sad because i love him
i'm sad because she's dying
i'm sad because i'm fat
i'm sad because no one cares
i'm sad because i'm young
i'm sad because those days are over
i'm sad because i don't care
i'm sad because i can't write
i'm sad because it's true
i'm sad because i'm a liar
i'm sad because i'm tired
i'm sad because i want to live a life that isn't mine.

i miss everything

i miss my ability to write. i miss sadness. i miss sly. i miss school. i miss love. i miss katie. i miss ryan ross. i miss degrassi. i miss happiness. i miss being cool. i miss not being afraid. i miss savanna. i miss thedevilsangels. i miss makeup. i miss being rebellious. i miss sunshine. i miss summer. i miss winter. i miss six flags. i miss rachel. i miss music. i miss panic at the disco. i miss blogger. i miss crying. i miss kaelie's house. i miss having a crush. i miss cde. i miss having fun. i miss people. i miss hating people. i miss everything.
i'm really sad. really, really sad. no sleep tonight.
:/